Simply News — Volume 1, Issue 1

POLICE BAFFLED BY SUSPECTED ROBBERY

Pencil Town police investigating missing pencils outside Simply Pencils — Police investigate theft reported by Grumpy.

NEW LONDON, WI — The owner of SimplyPencils.com contacted the local Pencil Police reporting a possible robbery that has apparently been recurring in his store since the business was first brought online. Grumpy Ol' Man reported that he continues to lose a large quantity of pencils on a regular basis and doesn't understand how they're getting lost.

Detective Not T. Smart reported that the owner had installed security cameras and that there has been no indication that a break-in has occurred at the shop. Police are watching videos of the store now and haven't spotted anything out of the ordinary. The normal day-to-day business appears to be taking place as normal — employees arrive at the business, print the daily orders from the online store, run the lasers, package the orders and finally ship them. Grumpy reports that he is losing up to 3 dozen pencils a day, and just can't fathom how the pencils are continuing to disappear on a daily basis.

Police have declined to comment on rumors that several unidentified short individuals were seen leaving the premises carrying a case of Blatz Light.

We'll continue to follow this story and provide updates as they are released.

LOCAL MAN WINS 4 TONS OF GRAPHITE IN LOTTERY DRAWING

Construction equipment moving a massive pile of graphite — Graphite Lottery finally pays off for unknown ticket holder.

PENCIL TOWN, WI — Pencil Magnate "Pencil Man" says that they finally had a winner in the Graphite Lottery Drawing last night. Although the winner hasn't stepped forward to turn in the winning ticket, neighbors in the local area are excited about the heavy equipment and the graphite pile leaving the area in the near future.

STUBBY STILL SHRINKING!!!

PENCIL TOWN, WI — Doctors are still confused about why Stub E. Pensille is continuing to shrink while all of her friends are growing taller by the day. As we reported previously, "Stubby," as her friends call her, is now less than half the size she once was. Doctors have tried everything known to them to determine why Stubby is continuing to lose height while remaining the same width. Body measurements of young Stubby indicate that the only thing changing is her physical height.

Doctors are reaching out to the famous Doctor Google to see if they can find a reasonable explanation of what is going on with Stubby.

When asked whether she was concerned about her diminishing height, Stubby replied, "Not particularly. I'm still the sharpest pencil in the box." Medical professionals declined to comment.